The Art of You

You can share a lot in a kiss,
The slightest brush of my lip against yours, comforting.
I can smell you.
My cheek against you like a cat.
It's like talking.
Lips moving without making a sound. 
My hand strokes your chest unconsciously.
It's not about passion.
Nor is it about sex.
It's the essence of you,  
A taster, 
A treat.
Appreciating the art of you.
Gentle, complete.
You are a treat xx

The only picture I have of you is when you fell asleep

I suppose I should delete it, move on, clean, cold, cut off break.

But then there will be nothing 

It is blurry and pixelated.

You look tired.

I still want to stroke your hair and cover you up to keep you warm.

Take off your glasses and put them safe.

Make sure you are comfortable before I close the door

Just so I know you will be all right

When I hear the foxes bark it feels like I am dreaming.
I can't remember your face,
Just the feel of your skin and your breath catching in your throat,
The passion catching fire after smouldering for so long.
It was never far away,
And now my heart beats faster,
Nothing gained but a lingering heat, an itch,
My insides running to catch up.
In my head things seem slow, unreal and unorganised.
I can't make sense of it all. 
I don't know if  I am meant to.

I miss you
I can't help but miss you
It's the little things that no one else seems to do 
They're gone and I miss them
I'm not afraid to say it

I miss giggling 
I miss feeling cared for
I miss caring for
I miss holding hands and stroking fingers
I miss stoking that fire, rattling that cage and setting it free.

I can't help it

I can't look at you.
I can't bear to see it.
I like to believe you think about me.
The thought of never seeing you again makes me so painfully sad.
So much amounting to so little.
It doesn't just disappear,
I've learnt this,
You will too.

I imagine you saying those words and my heart beats faster, 
Almost leaps out of my chest.
Pounces on the notion of together forever.
Pounces then falls.
No one there to catch it you see.
So I pick my self up and carry on.

If you read this...

Laying by your side looking at you from the corner of my eye.


Do you know I am there?


My nose against your cheekbone, 


I breathe a tune waiting for you to join in.


We used to know this one.

It's 2am

I'm kneeling on the floor wearing 3 layers.

I feel so contained.  So complete in myself.

So alone.  Separate. 

A unit of one.

I wish I had arms around me.  A safe enclosure to rest my head upon.

Just for a little while.

Just for times like these.

Not to heal me,

Not to carry me,

I can walk,

Just to acknowledge me.

To see and understand without expectation.

Someone I can ask without feeling disadvantaged.

Somewhere I feel entitled, worthy.

Somewhere I recognise.

Somewhere real.

Real.

Hold on

I said to the Moon,


"You make me want to be a better person.  
 You do.  
 I want to be pure when I look at you.  
 I want to be pure and full of light.  
 A creative being with love in my soul and joy in my eyes.  
 I look at you and want to breathe as deep as I can.  
 Your cool white light fanning the flames in my belly.  
 You are my future.  
 You are my hope.  
 My everlasting.  
 My love. 
 It is and always will be a pleasure to gaze upon you and feel your energy."


The Moon replied,


"You are welcome.  
 We are part of each other.  
 It is your light that makes me shine.  It is the light of the Universe  within us all. 
 It is a pleasure to watch over you.  
 With me you are always safe, always loved and always within reach.  
 Make your life the way you want it to be.  
 Honour me and yourself, always and forever I will be here loving you  and your  work."


Kinship, respect, honour and love.  Don't starve yourself of these.

Dreams.


If you had everything you dreamt about it would be reality.


And if you haven't got anything to dream about you're just... Happy.

I wish I could be everything to everyone,


But there comes a time when I have to make myself happy,


When I have to step out by myself,


Hold my own hand and show myself the way.


You could follow,


But your path is different

I find when you fall in love it is rarely how you picture it, 

Rarely convenient, 

Rarely conventional.

Stepping stones with landmines, minesweeper of the heart.

I think the best way to love is with your eyes and not your hands.

It is precious; 

Try to hold on too tight and it will shatter, leaving scars in its wake, 

Scars so visible you are reminded everyday of what you lost. 

So pretend you are in a museum...

Look but don't touch...

Look long enough and they will invite you to become an exhibit.

The memory of your hands, your shoulders, 
Is now edged in icy cold, fading.
And your lips, your sweet firm lips, smooth and responsive,
The ghost of your hands stroking my neck, around my body.
Your legs wrapped around mine.
Tight closeness cocooned and hot.
All that is bundled together as a warm contented parcel inside me,
The heat rising up, proving the memories in my mind....

Any way the wind blows it closes me in.

The freedom I am owed, just out of reach.

Choices.

None at all.

Then all at once. 

I see the way I am meant to go;
Or I feel it.
I feel it and need it
But I don't know where to flow.
Captured.
It's hard to tell.

.

And you held me as I came.
Keeping me together, not letting me float away,
Keeping yourself inside.


And you held me tight as the thunder ripped through the sky 
And a cry ripped through my chest.
You held me while my pain rumbled away.


And you let me go when I wanted to run,
When the horse had to be let loose.
You let me go knowing I wouldn't be held,
Knowing I would come back.

I can't relate to you, to your needs.
They are foreign to me.
Things I wanted in a past life but now?
Now they turn to dust in my hand, ashes in my mouth, white noise.
So far, so far I've travelled without gaining speed or momentum.
It's not even yearning anymore.
I want this lessened, not more layered on top.
I want to see the bottom of the basket, clean it out and start afresh.
Worry later about what I threw away.
Now.
Now I need that space for my own.

Clinched

But you.  

You get the fire burning in my belly.  You make me roll around trying to scratch that itch, trying to reach that place that aches so.  

I want that softness in your arms.  I want to let my walls down and climb inside yours.  Just you and me, close as we can be.

God I want you.  I want to hear your desire.  I want to taste your need and when you gasp, rasp and choke out the words "I want to be inside you" my whole world shakes and I sob silently because that's what I want too.  

I want to feel you pulsing inside of me.  Feel you thrust as hard as you can but stop short of hurting me.  I want the love to power you on, power us both on, breathless until we shatter in sequence.

♥♥♥ Happy Birthday Sister ♥♥♥

On the crest of a wave she greets you

Clearing the way for your light to shine.

Let the waves power you forward,

Taking the past with you without it holding you back.

Shine on little one,

With the world in your hands,

The love in your heart

And the earth at your toes.

Bring it together,

Bring it closer,

Make it yours.

x♥x♥x

The mind plays tricks.

I've not touched you,

But I feel you.

I haven't kissed you,

But I know how you taste.

I've never met you,

But you're here by my side.

We make our own reality.

I want you to be mine.

I can't pretend anymore.  

It is just me, on my own.  

My dream lovers have dissipated, turned to dust in my sheets and now they just make me sneeze.

A door has been opened into the real world.

Where would we be now eh?

Sunday morning papers in bed?

No, I don;t read the paper and newsprint is a bugger to get off the egyptian cotton.........

I don't want to let you go.

You're here in the centre of me,

Joined with me.

You feel me,

I feel you

And the taste of you,

It takes me places.

Constant, everlasting rhythm..

You give.. I take..

I take.. You give..

Then we meet in the middle

And it's like we've never been apart.

Looking for the way out.
I find something but it never feels right.
Maybe it's not the right thing,
Just a thing to fill the time.
I'm blinded

The sky is pink.

The earth casting it's shadow across the moon, way up high, blooming, billowing with glee.  

It's funny ain't it, the things that make our insides spark.  

It's  a funny thing to be loved and to feel that love but not understand why it is there.  

It's cushioning and safe.  

You are surrounded. 

You can dance your heart out under that pink cloudy sky;

Dance until you are out of breath and smiling.

Damsel not in distress but....

....Just once......

.....It would be nice......

.......If there was someone.....

.........Willing.....

............To fight for me......

..............Instead of being passed by........

P.S.

It's really not as bad as it sounds......

The Answer

No, I'm not all right.
It's not all smooth edges.
It's not all fuzzy glow and warm with love.

It's uncomfortable.
It's square pointy corners,
Some with splinters that catch on my breath.
It's an elbow in my throat.
It's emotion ejaculating out my eyes.

A cry, a sob, raw and sore,
And there's nothing i can do except let it out.
Let it go, go free.
Wring myself out and dry up

And it's true,
I have a wall around me.
I've no religion to soften the blow,
So I keep that gate locked.
Damage limitation.
I only want the real thing...
I only want to let the real thing in from now on.
No time wasters.
No casual visitors.
No thru road.

3am Thursday Morning

It's dark.

I'm in the porch smoking a fag.

The shadow foxes are leaping about

And someone has a sign in their window

It says "Help me"

It says "What are you looking at?"

It says "Where are you going?"

It says "Don't go"

It says "Stay with me"

Lay down softly

This is your spot right here, it's soft and comforting but you can still breathe, still exist, still be you.  There is no rush, you don't have to get up yet. just relax and let me stroke your face, kiss your eyebrows and watch my smiles reflected in your eyes.  You look so shocked, so tense, as if i am going to whip the pillow out from under you but shhhhh it's OK, this is your spot, you are meant to be here...........

No title

Restless

Running

Looking

I want to find that place, that safe place

How exciting it would be to settle, to have all i need in one place

Or to have all I need inside myself and have a safe place to share it.

Convoluted logic

But sometimes

Sometimes it feels like the pain is leaking, pouring out of me and if someone were to hold me close it would stem the flow for a while. 

Temporary relief.  

To be a HAVE instead of a HAVE NOT.

What it is to be free....

Love is a scary thing
Wanting to be loved in spite of your flaws and believing that it's true, you are.
It's a risky business.
And so we look at our "love lives" and what do we see?
I see it as a love of fear
When your feet are nearing the edge and you could fall any minute;
There's the fear of falling and the fear of not being caught
Again and again the jitters and stomach flipping
A love of self loathing
The will they run away screaming? Won't they?
Will they still love me when they see the scars i hide?
Waiting till the last second to choose and then ending up with no one.
It's a big gamble, it almost sounds fun.
I am not scared of being alone
I am scared of being with someone who doesn't light me up inside
Someone who doesn't light up my every corner
Why should I settle for a dim lighted room?
I want those curtains thrown open wide.
I want to dance naked in every room of the house, smiling and laughing with fat jiggling and slapping and doing a happy dance of it's own.
And there next to me will be the one, with their own flaws flapping and spinning or somersaulting around them too
And you know what?
That would not be scary at all.

.

It's like making a last stand once everyone has gone home.

Realising that you meant so little, that you were so unimportant.

Even if you knew it all along,

Looking it in the eye is harsh.

There will be no drama, no apologies.

There will be nothing like there was all along.

If it hasn't got a name then it doesn't exist

Lost oh so lost

I start to settle down but you can't sit on clouds for too long till you start to sink.  

Candyfloss is an improvement but you never get the stains out of your derry air.  

Won't you take me home?  

Won't you love me and see me and listen to my heart beat amongst the rumblings in my gut?  

Veering from one side to the other.  

I can't keep still, I can't settle because of the promise of better things. 

When i do stop, it's to long for something out of my reach

It's that dress three sizes too small, bought for £3 .  

There's no prize for squeezing into a space that was not meant for you.

No victory in change.

No prize for becoming unrecognisable

...

I almost fell over looking for my jam jar in the dark

.....

Sometimes you just wanna get rained on.........

It's a bittersweet pill

I've got a pain in my chest like something is wanting to break through. So maybe I am gonna topple over or maybe it's the feeling of being on the edge that's filling me with tummy flipping anticipation. or summat.

It's that feeling of being almost at the top.  I can carry on or flop down on the floor and close my eyes.  Because sometimes I just can't cope with all the love inside me.  It would be nice to see what's on the other side just once.  I've been there before but not for a long long time.  Over the hill and far away there's dancing nuns with her adoptive children singing about goat herds and all that stuff.  Simple pleasures

Everything tastes bland.

Eating for the sake of it,

Meeting for the sake of it,

When it's not what I really want.

Standing outside in the rain to feel alive.

Getting my feet wet while my heart stays dry.

Watching with my Bad Girl eyes

And thinking

"I never really liked you anyway"

Or wishing I'd taken the plunge,

Chosen differently;

Gone right instead of left.

All signs point to YES but I go for no everytime

"My heart's beating like a fucked clock"

Trapped in this cage

They rattle the walls

Wanting a piece of me to take home on approval

And if they are not happy they have 28 days to return

I'll plug in my earphones and wait till the music starts

RANT

Nails scrape down my back, my arm muscles wrench and the wilderness opens up from between my legs. Lions and tigers and bears, I say. The rains fall. No life there. Emptiness surrounds the fullness and the scratchy lead writes my name in the clouds. Thousands of lost children; hopping from one to the other, choosing and being chosen. Fears and doubts in the white skies; no diamonds, just the earth for us to wonder upon. Wonder and dream. Dream and wonder. Lost but found, never fully realised. Spoken out loud in a quiet voice. Beauty on the outside, ugly on the inside, peeking through. Useless mind never used. Empty soul lying in a ditch, abandoned, crucified. Justified. Self made prison. Footsteps never wrong, peter out amongst the grounds. Retrieved in regret.

Heartbeat creaking same rhythm. Choices I never had. Decisions I never wanted to make. Given freely, too freely.

Inside me, thinking, belonging. Layer upon layer, emotive layer. Live it, don’t be it. Chinese poison in my veins. Mixed up challenges. Temples pounding in relief. Icky hook, hangnail in my sides, catching, pulling but walking on. No stopping, looking, pausing for infinity, waiting not to be seen. Version 0.1. Façade. Never quite sure, real or not. Binds. Preoccupied.

Anger like a steaming pile. Digging in deep rooted wants to lash out, trash things. Release. I release you. I forgive you, everyone of me.

Psychodrama. Fear of becoming what I fear and becoming it anyway cos not confronting the issue. Anger in my head, cutting me off at the throat, withholding my power. Coiled tight in chest, arms, legs and cunt. Bridge is down. Swinging and falling.

NO MORE

I feel the words slipping down my throat like thick liquid. Lining my throat like jelly.

Truth.

Here I am.

This is me.

Esoteric trifle

Arching my back with my eyes closed leaning against the wall.
I see orange, it’s rich.
I’m poured into this vessel, layers and layers of detail;
They can’t all be shown all at once.

I don’t always remember where I have been
Or what I think
But it’s there if you dig deep enough.
One day at a time.

They try and grab me
Try and pin me down
Make me into what they want
There’s no hope
You can’t eat me without a spoon.

They change the rules
And it leaves me cold
I’ve learnt and so can you
It’s so simple when you go down to the bones