I can't relate to you, to your needs.
They are foreign to me.
Things I wanted in a past life but now?
Now they turn to dust in my hand, ashes in my mouth, white noise.
So far, so far I've travelled without gaining speed or momentum.
It's not even yearning anymore.
I want this lessened, not more layered on top.
I want to see the bottom of the basket, clean it out and start afresh.
Worry later about what I threw away.
Now.
Now I need that space for my own.

Clinched

But you.  

You get the fire burning in my belly.  You make me roll around trying to scratch that itch, trying to reach that place that aches so.  

I want that softness in your arms.  I want to let my walls down and climb inside yours.  Just you and me, close as we can be.

God I want you.  I want to hear your desire.  I want to taste your need and when you gasp, rasp and choke out the words "I want to be inside you" my whole world shakes and I sob silently because that's what I want too.  

I want to feel you pulsing inside of me.  Feel you thrust as hard as you can but stop short of hurting me.  I want the love to power you on, power us both on, breathless until we shatter in sequence.

♥♥♥ Happy Birthday Sister ♥♥♥

On the crest of a wave she greets you

Clearing the way for your light to shine.

Let the waves power you forward,

Taking the past with you without it holding you back.

Shine on little one,

With the world in your hands,

The love in your heart

And the earth at your toes.

Bring it together,

Bring it closer,

Make it yours.

x♥x♥x

The mind plays tricks.

I've not touched you,

But I feel you.

I haven't kissed you,

But I know how you taste.

I've never met you,

But you're here by my side.

We make our own reality.

I want you to be mine.

I can't pretend anymore.  

It is just me, on my own.  

My dream lovers have dissipated, turned to dust in my sheets and now they just make me sneeze.

A door has been opened into the real world.

Where would we be now eh?

Sunday morning papers in bed?

No, I don;t read the paper and newsprint is a bugger to get off the egyptian cotton.........

I don't want to let you go.

You're here in the centre of me,

Joined with me.

You feel me,

I feel you

And the taste of you,

It takes me places.

Constant, everlasting rhythm..

You give.. I take..

I take.. You give..

Then we meet in the middle

And it's like we've never been apart.

Looking for the way out.
I find something but it never feels right.
Maybe it's not the right thing,
Just a thing to fill the time.
I'm blinded

The sky is pink.

The earth casting it's shadow across the moon, way up high, blooming, billowing with glee.  

It's funny ain't it, the things that make our insides spark.  

It's  a funny thing to be loved and to feel that love but not understand why it is there.  

It's cushioning and safe.  

You are surrounded. 

You can dance your heart out under that pink cloudy sky;

Dance until you are out of breath and smiling.

Damsel not in distress but....

....Just once......

.....It would be nice......

.......If there was someone.....

.........Willing.....

............To fight for me......

..............Instead of being passed by........

P.S.

It's really not as bad as it sounds......

The Answer

No, I'm not all right.
It's not all smooth edges.
It's not all fuzzy glow and warm with love.

It's uncomfortable.
It's square pointy corners,
Some with splinters that catch on my breath.
It's an elbow in my throat.
It's emotion ejaculating out my eyes.

A cry, a sob, raw and sore,
And there's nothing i can do except let it out.
Let it go, go free.
Wring myself out and dry up

And it's true,
I have a wall around me.
I've no religion to soften the blow,
So I keep that gate locked.
Damage limitation.
I only want the real thing...
I only want to let the real thing in from now on.
No time wasters.
No casual visitors.
No thru road.

3am Thursday Morning

It's dark.

I'm in the porch smoking a fag.

The shadow foxes are leaping about

And someone has a sign in their window

It says "Help me"

It says "What are you looking at?"

It says "Where are you going?"

It says "Don't go"

It says "Stay with me"

Lay down softly

This is your spot right here, it's soft and comforting but you can still breathe, still exist, still be you.  There is no rush, you don't have to get up yet. just relax and let me stroke your face, kiss your eyebrows and watch my smiles reflected in your eyes.  You look so shocked, so tense, as if i am going to whip the pillow out from under you but shhhhh it's OK, this is your spot, you are meant to be here...........

No title

Restless

Running

Looking

I want to find that place, that safe place

How exciting it would be to settle, to have all i need in one place

Or to have all I need inside myself and have a safe place to share it.

Convoluted logic

But sometimes

Sometimes it feels like the pain is leaking, pouring out of me and if someone were to hold me close it would stem the flow for a while. 

Temporary relief.  

To be a HAVE instead of a HAVE NOT.

What it is to be free....

Love is a scary thing
Wanting to be loved in spite of your flaws and believing that it's true, you are.
It's a risky business.
And so we look at our "love lives" and what do we see?
I see it as a love of fear
When your feet are nearing the edge and you could fall any minute;
There's the fear of falling and the fear of not being caught
Again and again the jitters and stomach flipping
A love of self loathing
The will they run away screaming? Won't they?
Will they still love me when they see the scars i hide?
Waiting till the last second to choose and then ending up with no one.
It's a big gamble, it almost sounds fun.
I am not scared of being alone
I am scared of being with someone who doesn't light me up inside
Someone who doesn't light up my every corner
Why should I settle for a dim lighted room?
I want those curtains thrown open wide.
I want to dance naked in every room of the house, smiling and laughing with fat jiggling and slapping and doing a happy dance of it's own.
And there next to me will be the one, with their own flaws flapping and spinning or somersaulting around them too
And you know what?
That would not be scary at all.

.

It's like making a last stand once everyone has gone home.

Realising that you meant so little, that you were so unimportant.

Even if you knew it all along,

Looking it in the eye is harsh.

There will be no drama, no apologies.

There will be nothing like there was all along.

If it hasn't got a name then it doesn't exist

Lost oh so lost

I start to settle down but you can't sit on clouds for too long till you start to sink.  

Candyfloss is an improvement but you never get the stains out of your derry air.  

Won't you take me home?  

Won't you love me and see me and listen to my heart beat amongst the rumblings in my gut?  

Veering from one side to the other.  

I can't keep still, I can't settle because of the promise of better things. 

When i do stop, it's to long for something out of my reach

It's that dress three sizes too small, bought for £3 .  

There's no prize for squeezing into a space that was not meant for you.

No victory in change.

No prize for becoming unrecognisable

...

I almost fell over looking for my jam jar in the dark

.....

Sometimes you just wanna get rained on.........

It's a bittersweet pill

I've got a pain in my chest like something is wanting to break through. So maybe I am gonna topple over or maybe it's the feeling of being on the edge that's filling me with tummy flipping anticipation. or summat.

It's that feeling of being almost at the top.  I can carry on or flop down on the floor and close my eyes.  Because sometimes I just can't cope with all the love inside me.  It would be nice to see what's on the other side just once.  I've been there before but not for a long long time.  Over the hill and far away there's dancing nuns with her adoptive children singing about goat herds and all that stuff.  Simple pleasures

Everything tastes bland.

Eating for the sake of it,

Meeting for the sake of it,

When it's not what I really want.

Standing outside in the rain to feel alive.

Getting my feet wet while my heart stays dry.

Watching with my Bad Girl eyes

And thinking

"I never really liked you anyway"

Or wishing I'd taken the plunge,

Chosen differently;

Gone right instead of left.

All signs point to YES but I go for no everytime

"My heart's beating like a fucked clock"

Trapped in this cage

They rattle the walls

Wanting a piece of me to take home on approval

And if they are not happy they have 28 days to return

I'll plug in my earphones and wait till the music starts

RANT

Nails scrape down my back, my arm muscles wrench and the wilderness opens up from between my legs. Lions and tigers and bears, I say. The rains fall. No life there. Emptiness surrounds the fullness and the scratchy lead writes my name in the clouds. Thousands of lost children; hopping from one to the other, choosing and being chosen. Fears and doubts in the white skies; no diamonds, just the earth for us to wonder upon. Wonder and dream. Dream and wonder. Lost but found, never fully realised. Spoken out loud in a quiet voice. Beauty on the outside, ugly on the inside, peeking through. Useless mind never used. Empty soul lying in a ditch, abandoned, crucified. Justified. Self made prison. Footsteps never wrong, peter out amongst the grounds. Retrieved in regret.

Heartbeat creaking same rhythm. Choices I never had. Decisions I never wanted to make. Given freely, too freely.

Inside me, thinking, belonging. Layer upon layer, emotive layer. Live it, don’t be it. Chinese poison in my veins. Mixed up challenges. Temples pounding in relief. Icky hook, hangnail in my sides, catching, pulling but walking on. No stopping, looking, pausing for infinity, waiting not to be seen. Version 0.1. Façade. Never quite sure, real or not. Binds. Preoccupied.

Anger like a steaming pile. Digging in deep rooted wants to lash out, trash things. Release. I release you. I forgive you, everyone of me.

Psychodrama. Fear of becoming what I fear and becoming it anyway cos not confronting the issue. Anger in my head, cutting me off at the throat, withholding my power. Coiled tight in chest, arms, legs and cunt. Bridge is down. Swinging and falling.

NO MORE

I feel the words slipping down my throat like thick liquid. Lining my throat like jelly.

Truth.

Here I am.

This is me.

Esoteric trifle

Arching my back with my eyes closed leaning against the wall.
I see orange, it’s rich.
I’m poured into this vessel, layers and layers of detail;
They can’t all be shown all at once.

I don’t always remember where I have been
Or what I think
But it’s there if you dig deep enough.
One day at a time.

They try and grab me
Try and pin me down
Make me into what they want
There’s no hope
You can’t eat me without a spoon.

They change the rules
And it leaves me cold
I’ve learnt and so can you
It’s so simple when you go down to the bones

Heart Song

Sometimes I dream in song.  I was on the bus listening to She & Him, looking out the window and mouthing the words inside my head.  They became my words, my song.  I picked an oracle card once which asked me to consider what my Heart song would be.  What would your heart sound like?  It's such a big thing to consider and I like to think it would be a big sound.  A big, pure sound, more happy than sad, more positive than negative, more loving than hateful.  This is what I want for the world. ♥ ♥ ♥

You really got a hold on me 

I thought I saw your face today

In the sun 

WYSIWYG

WYSIWYG but i don't know what you see so how will i know what to give? 

Eyes half closed, I don't see the bigger picture, i just focus on what is bothering me right now, on what I want not what is for the best.  I see bleak, I see sadness and this is what I get.  Closed up and mistrusting, I daren;t hope for better things.  I cannot see the light in this dreary tunnel and my torch has run out of power.  A brief flare from a match, a glimpse, which way which way.  Is it right to discard as soon as you know it's not right?  To consciously move on in the silence.  Is it letting go or giving up?  I can only do so much, if the answers dry up then there is no point asking the question anymore.  Officially I am done but then I never am.

You make my heart beat faster

I wanna dance the night away.

Let's live in a windmill and make our own flour.

You make me feel like laughter.

Bubbling excitement, hunger and need.

You make me want to stop trying 

Because I won't succeed.

You make me want to open up.

Release this golden ray

Expand and lick the dew off mountains.

The only place I long to be is in your arms.

But eyes down, arms crossed

I don't see you looking my way

A Memory

I crave you. I’m like a cat stretching and writhing on my bed, thinking about you pressed against me, your weight pinning me down. I’m in your gaze, nothing else, tunnel vision; you have me exactly where you want me. I’ve been with other men but they didn’t have the presence, the strength to keep me down. You tower over me and I can only get closer. I thrust and rub against you to tell you it’s yours. I look into your eyes, see you shake your head and smile as if you can’t believe I am there. You lean in and kiss me softly, then pull away to get another look. I want you so much the air has changed, its still and heavy with want. I lick my lips, run my hands up and down your back and pull you closer so I can taste you

Work in progress

There once was a girl called Elise, who lived on the edge of a forest. Her house was made of glass, so at night she could watch the trees wave their branches and the stars glint in Morse code, sharing their secrets. She lived with a polar bear called Hanson and they spoke to each other using sign language. At night Elise would lay down on Hanson and he would wrap his big bear arms around her as she slept. When she had trouble sleeping Hanson would write words in the air in purple sparks, draw stories of magical lands, lands more magical than the one they lived in. Elise had everything provided for her by Hanson. He was her protector, her care giver and her friend. He took care of her when she was ill, juggled and danced when she was sad and cooked for her when she was hungry. There as nothing he wouldn’t do for her, he loved to see her smile and skip in the woods. Her wonder at the smallest things warmed his heart.
One day Elise was outside playing in the autumn leaves. The sun was shining in the bright blue sky and the wind soared around her, lifting the leaves for her to chase. She ran around the forest until she was out of breath and her cheeks grew pink. The wind blew her hair around her face and she breathed in deep, perfectly still, while the world revolved around her. She watched the leaves; one in particular caught her eye. It was ruby red and danced apart from the rest, rising higher in the wind, beckoning to her. The ruby red leaf drifted off down into the dark part of the forest. Elise bit her lip, not knowing whether to follow. Hanson had warned her not to venture into the dark. The path was overgrown with weeds that slithered under your feet, grasping and writhing, waiting for you to fall so they could pull you down into the earth. She stood transfixed as the ruby red leaf zigzagged between two ash trees that seemed to mark the entrance of the path. She took one step forward and then another until she was just about to enter. She heard Hanson growl and turned her head to see him gesturing wildly for her to stop. She turned back to look for the ruby red leaf. It had stopped, waiting for her to continue. What lay before her was new and exciting, somewhat dangerous because it was unfamiliar. Elise looked back once more at Hanson, a look of resignation on his face as she lifted her foot and stepped into the forbidden. She passed between the ash trees and felt a wave of energy pass over her. She shivered and felt a ripple, a change in the universe as she knew it. The bubble of protection that surrounded her under Hanson’s watchful eye burst and she saw the world in different colours. The reds, greens and oranges seemed to glow with deeper intensity. The hidden creatures in the undergrowth were revealed and still the red leaf danced waiting for her to follow. She stepped forward tentatively, unsure whether to continue or to run back into the arms of Hanson where she knew what to expect. Elise felt taller, bigger and freer. This new world was scary but it held many more possibilities. For who would sacrifice the hurt if it meant denying themselves pleasure greater than they had ever known. She closed her eyes, felt the weight in the pit of her stomach that grounded her, felt safe with the knowledge that she could support and protect herself.

It can only get better. This driving force is dormant but once the engine warms up there will be no stopping it. We can fly to the moon! Running our fingers under the rainbow waterfalls and tasting the sherberty starlight. Right now there’s the indecision and uncertainty, the not knowing what to pack for this midnight tour, this minty adventure. Is it minty or is it more like caramel? Maybe it’s a humbug with the caramelly toffee centre. Get the temperature right and it will slide down your throat and make you go mmmmmmmmmmmm.
So I am standing about, hands in my pockets, humming a tune I forgot the words to, wondering if you have the map, wondering if I can have a look so I know where I stand. Not daring to hope, and not immune to it either. I just am, I think I am, therefore I am. I must be cos who else could I be? Which persona did I wear that first time? How many times have I changed? Four key items for a capsule personality, classic.


I reckon a change of scenery will do me the world of good

23/05/10

Walk through the spider's web
Let the magic permeate your bones.
Walk the tightrope
Feel your stomach flip
And your feet begin to move
It's a first kiss
It's a second leap
It's the giant teapot of wonder and glee.

09/03/09

Corrr I’m ready to take a bite. I got hot sauce!Twirly twirl twirl. I got my umbrella and I’m ready to go a-travelling wherever the wind will take me. I’ve not washed my hair for twenty seven days and it smells great! The underside feels like a baby deer, mother in tact and an enemy of rabbits everywhere. It’s such a shiny Disney happy world right now. Add a pinch of john waters and a soupcon of me without you angst. We shall not take no for an answer. Meh does not live here anymore. I think I may have ingested some dodgy peppers on my pizza. All hail badgers and their friends!!! But never rabbits cos they kick in their sleep.
I’m watching the lamppost in the aquamarine dusky light. It’s pretty and there are trees and stuff. A place for Ms Poppins to get her knickers snagged. Then she will sit on the windy steps and think of chimney sweeps for a while, before conversing with the birds that live down yonder street. That there rook has some twisted tales to speak. Tap to release the ink reserve. Distant dull ache, it has no place to take hold. Is all too shiny and smooth, like the rocks in the river. Smiley face at the end of each sentence, clap and spin.

Walking on the Green Hills

Walking on the green hills I met the man made of chalk.
He said to me “where are you going? Come with me I will keep you safe, all you have to do is give me your heart, your spirit and your hot breath upon my brow.”
I reach out to offer my hand, pulling back at the last minute.
I say to him “why do you need my heart? Why do you need my spirit? You can feel my hot breath on your brow, you can feel my heart beating next to yours, and you can feel my spirit soaring through the skies next to yours.”
His eyes fill with tears and he meets my gaze, “I don’t want to feel it, I want to be it. Give them to me and you will never want for anything ever again. I shall keep you safe, I will love you like no other and I will feed your soul with the wind.”
I start to walk away, shouting over my shoulder, “You ask for too much and give too little in return. If I don’t have my heart, how would I feel? What would I yearn for? If I do not have my spirit how can you feed my soul? You would take all of me and give only the basics I need to survive.” I stop and sweep my arms across the land. “How can you deny me all this? How could I deny myself all this? The opportunities in the land and the love of my sisters. All those different possibilities that would pass me by if I gave it all up for a passing whim of yours.”
I move away, out of his reach. I travel along the hills, flirting with the wind as She lifts my hair above my head, a gentle hand in mine, guiding me to solace. I walk and walk, leaving the wind behind, my thoughts too heavy, the green man echoing in my thoughts. Images of how it would be, of the comfort I would feel, security, no fear of the unknown. Acceptance. I see the choices I would make without making them, the sequential line of time that would be my life. Control taken away, yet simple and safe at the same time. He would be my lover but nowhere near my heart. My heart that calls out for complete satisfaction, for the one who excites me both body and mind. I face the sun and reach out, to call my love to me. My voice fails me. I can only mouth the words I want to say. All I can hear is the man made of chalk.
I squat down on a stone. Cold, dead between my legs. I feel the weight of this stone, pulling me with it, the pull of him. I struggle and howl deep inside, my eyes closed, my jaw clenched, wishing for release.
I hear her howl. I hear her cry. The wild woman hunts her prey. I pull her from my inside me, attached by an invisible cord. A cord that can never be broken. A bread crumb path, but a nevertheless a path.
She cloaks me in her strength and leads the way. I drink from her cup; revitalised my eyes open, I see, I see all. She shows me the man made of chalk. She points to the bones of his past, the women he had, the ones at his core. Her hand closes over mine. A key lies bleeding in my hand. I watch in horror, the bile rising in my mouth. This is what he wants from me. The anger, the indignation, the fear, explodes from my core. The games he plays! How dare he! To make me feel, make me think I am nothing without him. To use his weakness as mine. To steal my power, my essence to maintain his. I look at the key; it is just a key, as he is just a man. I toss it away into his mouth and watch as the blood brings the bones alive. As each woman is freed. Each one different and yet the same. All connected to my cord, my call that drowns out the man made of chalk.
We walk hand in hand, past his boneless mind, onto the undiscovered road behind.

Here’s to Hope….

To believing even when it doesn’t look possible


To smiling even when we don’t feel like it


To seeing that small glimmer in the darkest night


To seeing the good in people


To understanding why people do the things they do


To knowing your happiness resides within whatever happens without


To going with the flow


To knowing it’s easier than it feels


To getting what we need rather than what we want


To learning


To forgiving the lessons we were forced to learn


To forgiving ourselves for not learning the first time


To you and to me


To what we know and would have ourselves know


To knowing it’s all good

What's real and what's imagined?
In the moment I am always sure
Always secure
And for a while afterwards I still believe.
But day by day as the silence grows
The petals fall.
It's nightime again
And I'm outside watching foxes,
Not a flower in bloom.

New Wave of Consciousness

Bailing out the lifeboat
faster, faster
But water keeps on returning.
Billions of men in a boat
Let it capsize and ride the wave.
Those of us who know.
Those of us who can swim.
Those of us who don't believe we will stay afloat.
Apart, far from those who don't know.


My soul knows
My soul can swim
My soul will live on
But that way Martyrdom lives


In the Now
This very minute
Sharp jolts of pain in my back
Electrical impulses
Throbbing
Hunger
Nausea
Sour head
When will the sky clear?


I need a friend
I want someone to hold my hand
To guide me as i guide them
Put on roller skates and explore the white hot tremblings of this wave
This Now wave.
Every second counts.


Just a squeeze in the dark
A flash of light to show this is the right direction
I don't see so knowing for sure is hard.


To believe is the best way to know
To Trust
To embrace

A little songage

♪♫ This little heart of mine ♪♫
♪♫ I'm gonna let it shine ♪♫
♪♫ This little heart of mine ♪♫
♪♫ I'm gonna let it shine ♪♫
♪♫ This little heart of mine ♪♫
♪♫ I'm gonna let it shine ♪♫
♪♫ Let it shine ♪♫
♪♫ Let it shine ♪♫
♪♫ Let it shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiine ♫♪

*Takes a bow*
Thank you, thank you very much
*Exits stage left*

Wanton Inspiration 13/10/09

My world has been up and down, up at the minute I think. I feel like spilling my guts up on the counter and weighing them in for jelly beans. Or pulling faces at passing drivers while I am on the bus. Normal one minute then tongue out, fingers pulling mouth wide and crazy eyes although not cross eyed cos I can’t do it. Or daring to go outside without my cardi! OH MY, the horror the shock how wanton is she eh? What I need is a straw hat and a cat disguised as a donkey. Urban country bumpkin, high heels and matching eyebrows. Even better would be a huge inflatable bubble. I’ve tried imagining one but doesn’t work so well, greenflies keep getting trapped and dying on my window ledge. There is no emoticon for that.
Saw a man on the bus. Mentally ill I think, he kept swearing and shouting and banging the seat in front of him with his stick. Not nice cos he was very aggressive and I had the unfortunate pleasure of sitting adjacent to him. Even with my music full blast I could hear him. Hurt my ears it did, esp the right one which was closest and the muff is missing off that earphone.
So yes if you’re interested I am up for grabs. Take me and do what you will. I’m made of plasticine so you can remodel me to resemble anyone you like, even a cake if you wish (shush Glowey). Make something out of this car crash; I am all out of ideas. They all centre around badgers.
Got the tattoo sourcebook from the library yesterday morning. Returned it in the afternoon. The best way to choose a unique tattoo is to choose one that isn’t in a book. No flaming skull eating wotsits for me oh noe! It’s all cheetos from here on in. Or more likely red mill cheese puffs cos they are two for a quid in farmfoods. You should all come shopping with me. I am great at picking out gifts for people I have never met. One day I am going to go to tesco and do a fantasy shop. Fill a trolley up with all the good stuff then just abandon it. Pretty cruel cos the staff will have to put it back and ice cream will melt so there’s a good reason not to do it... or maybe just steer clear of the fridge and freezer sections. See even in my madness I refuse to waste food. Don’t care much for ice cream anyway; it would not be on my fantasy shopping list.
I’ve got a sty on my eye. It hurts. No make up for me for a while. Naked face all the way and I’m not wearing any knickers.

..

The panic rising. All the good things I tell myself being swallowed into the gulf of my twisted heart. Will they emerge later in truth or are they being strangled and choked by the fear? Here I stand under the full moon, a little girl, scared and lost. Bad things happen to good people all the time or is it bad things to bad people and I am not good. I am not good. I am not worthy. I am good. I am worthy. Reverse psychology. Never the right time or the moment has passed. The compass is spinning, which direction is the right one. My whole self being eaten from the inside until there is nothing left but a dry empty shell. Caving in on myself, where’s the foot pump. People trying to draw me out. Can they smell the decay or are they the life savers. Help comes from the strangest places. Who is that knocking at the door?