It's been almost five months now and it still feels weird to think you're not coming back. There's a big gap and if I stop to think and look around it hits me all over again. And not the good stuff. I can't remember much of the good stuff. I remember picking you up off the floor. I remember you looking confused and not quite there. I remember kicking myself for not getting the doctor back sooner. I remember not offering you something to eat in ICU. I remember lying to you when you begged me to get you out of there as I left in the afternoon. I remember coming back to watch you die with that being the last time I spoke to you when you were conscious. I remember being there and watching your pulse in your neck and listening to you breathing. Counting. I remember making sure everyone was there. I tried my best and there is fuck all I can do about it now.

It seems I don't write as much when I am happy.
Perhaps I should start dating again :-P

Silver Lining

Life seems to be challenging me at the moment.
On the bright side, I have no desire to join a dating site

I dreamt about you last night.
One of those dreams that get tied up with half awake memories.
Things you said.
Being with you under the tree.
Seeing the yearning in your eyes.
What if I'd said yes?

You didn't keep your word.
You didn't check in with me.
I didn't think you would.
You probably thought it would do more harm than good.
But what you don't understand is,
It was never about picking up where we left off or changing your mind.
It was something to show that those three months didn't amount to nothing.

I want to make Dirty filthy love with you.
I want to do things to make you blush.
I want to make you laugh until you turn blue.
I want to wrestle with you and lick your neck.
I want to sit down next to you and slip my arm around your middle and rest my head in the crook of your armpit.
I want to make you jump with my crazy psycho face behind a magazine.
I want to squeeze your hand in secret so you know I am there.
I want to shout "HONEYPIE! I'M HOME!" when I come in the door.
I want to throw my arms around your neck when you bend down to kiss me.
I want to make things with you
I want to go on walks with you, show you things.
I want to smile at you when you are busy.
I want to look up and see you smiling at me.
I want to dream next to you.
I want to teach you things.
I want to have secrets with you.
I want you on my side, by my side.

Dear you

My life seems a little bit empty without you.
Only because I have less to do.
I think what life would be like with you still in it
And it turns out
I am glad you're not.

You would have been the one,
The right one,
If I wanted to continue to punish myself,
If I wanted to continue hiding away from my true nature,
You would have been the perfect fit.
But you're not.
It is freeing to admit that.
I don't have to hide anymore

It wasn't quite love
But my heart was open to the possibility.
I shall keep it open for someone else.

If they can't love themselves
They will never love you

An Accidental Rhyme

I know exactly how good it feels.
I feel it too.
It wouldn't be so good
If it wasn't you

Truly

I feel very emotional.
There is no one around to hear me cry.
Maybe that's a good thing.
I'm very tired.
I reached the point where I didn't want to do this anymore,
Didn't want to be here.
But outside, under the light of the moon, I realised it's all good.
Despite this sadness,
Despite this pain,
I am happy.
Truly.

You have me lost for words
It feels so delicate I am afraid of breaking it
Afraid of thinking too far ahead
Then I hear your voice and it brings me back
And i giggle and smile like a fool

Do me a favour.
Before you jump,
Before you get in the car,
Before you cross that threshold and peel back that seal -
Make sure it's what you really want.
This woman is non-returnable.

Time isn't a straight line.
Who I am now, who I was then,
We are the same, yet separate.
I can go back now.
Go back and comfort that quivering woman child so full of despair.
Go back and hold her in my arms,
Whisper in her ear that it is ok, everything is ok and you will be happy again,
Because I am here.
Always here.

How quickly it fades

My head is all muddled and I find myself thinking about you again.
I don't know why.
I am silently daring you to text me, call me or turn up at my house.
I'll even double dare you, because I know it won't happen.
Out of the two of us,
I was always the brave one.

I wish I had met you when I felt stronger instead of that meek little girl too afraid to speak her mind.

To be loved

It's less than a memory now,
That feeling of appreciation, 
Being loved with joy and whimsy.
A memory that might be make believe.
It will be different because I am different,
Coming from a hard place, a strong place.
I haven't learned how to love independently yet,
Not quite. 

I dreamed a dream of times gone by,
Of words already spoken,
Whispers beneath my window.
Fleeting.
The warmth in my bed, 
In my arms,
In my heart.
Incubated.
Open.
Waiting.
For You.