P.S.

It's really not as bad as it sounds......

The Answer

No, I'm not all right.
It's not all smooth edges.
It's not all fuzzy glow and warm with love.

It's uncomfortable.
It's square pointy corners,
Some with splinters that catch on my breath.
It's an elbow in my throat.
It's emotion ejaculating out my eyes.

A cry, a sob, raw and sore,
And there's nothing i can do except let it out.
Let it go, go free.
Wring myself out and dry up

And it's true,
I have a wall around me.
I've no religion to soften the blow,
So I keep that gate locked.
Damage limitation.
I only want the real thing...
I only want to let the real thing in from now on.
No time wasters.
No casual visitors.
No thru road.

3am Thursday Morning

It's dark.

I'm in the porch smoking a fag.

The shadow foxes are leaping about

And someone has a sign in their window

It says "Help me"

It says "What are you looking at?"

It says "Where are you going?"

It says "Don't go"

It says "Stay with me"

Lay down softly

This is your spot right here, it's soft and comforting but you can still breathe, still exist, still be you.  There is no rush, you don't have to get up yet. just relax and let me stroke your face, kiss your eyebrows and watch my smiles reflected in your eyes.  You look so shocked, so tense, as if i am going to whip the pillow out from under you but shhhhh it's OK, this is your spot, you are meant to be here...........

No title

Restless

Running

Looking

I want to find that place, that safe place

How exciting it would be to settle, to have all i need in one place

Or to have all I need inside myself and have a safe place to share it.

Convoluted logic

But sometimes

Sometimes it feels like the pain is leaking, pouring out of me and if someone were to hold me close it would stem the flow for a while. 

Temporary relief.  

To be a HAVE instead of a HAVE NOT.

What it is to be free....

Love is a scary thing
Wanting to be loved in spite of your flaws and believing that it's true, you are.
It's a risky business.
And so we look at our "love lives" and what do we see?
I see it as a love of fear
When your feet are nearing the edge and you could fall any minute;
There's the fear of falling and the fear of not being caught
Again and again the jitters and stomach flipping
A love of self loathing
The will they run away screaming? Won't they?
Will they still love me when they see the scars i hide?
Waiting till the last second to choose and then ending up with no one.
It's a big gamble, it almost sounds fun.
I am not scared of being alone
I am scared of being with someone who doesn't light me up inside
Someone who doesn't light up my every corner
Why should I settle for a dim lighted room?
I want those curtains thrown open wide.
I want to dance naked in every room of the house, smiling and laughing with fat jiggling and slapping and doing a happy dance of it's own.
And there next to me will be the one, with their own flaws flapping and spinning or somersaulting around them too
And you know what?
That would not be scary at all.