It's a bittersweet pill

I've got a pain in my chest like something is wanting to break through. So maybe I am gonna topple over or maybe it's the feeling of being on the edge that's filling me with tummy flipping anticipation. or summat.

It's that feeling of being almost at the top.  I can carry on or flop down on the floor and close my eyes.  Because sometimes I just can't cope with all the love inside me.  It would be nice to see what's on the other side just once.  I've been there before but not for a long long time.  Over the hill and far away there's dancing nuns with her adoptive children singing about goat herds and all that stuff.  Simple pleasures

Everything tastes bland.

Eating for the sake of it,

Meeting for the sake of it,

When it's not what I really want.

Standing outside in the rain to feel alive.

Getting my feet wet while my heart stays dry.

Watching with my Bad Girl eyes

And thinking

"I never really liked you anyway"

Or wishing I'd taken the plunge,

Chosen differently;

Gone right instead of left.

All signs point to YES but I go for no everytime

"My heart's beating like a fucked clock"

Trapped in this cage

They rattle the walls

Wanting a piece of me to take home on approval

And if they are not happy they have 28 days to return

I'll plug in my earphones and wait till the music starts

RANT

Nails scrape down my back, my arm muscles wrench and the wilderness opens up from between my legs. Lions and tigers and bears, I say. The rains fall. No life there. Emptiness surrounds the fullness and the scratchy lead writes my name in the clouds. Thousands of lost children; hopping from one to the other, choosing and being chosen. Fears and doubts in the white skies; no diamonds, just the earth for us to wonder upon. Wonder and dream. Dream and wonder. Lost but found, never fully realised. Spoken out loud in a quiet voice. Beauty on the outside, ugly on the inside, peeking through. Useless mind never used. Empty soul lying in a ditch, abandoned, crucified. Justified. Self made prison. Footsteps never wrong, peter out amongst the grounds. Retrieved in regret.

Heartbeat creaking same rhythm. Choices I never had. Decisions I never wanted to make. Given freely, too freely.

Inside me, thinking, belonging. Layer upon layer, emotive layer. Live it, don’t be it. Chinese poison in my veins. Mixed up challenges. Temples pounding in relief. Icky hook, hangnail in my sides, catching, pulling but walking on. No stopping, looking, pausing for infinity, waiting not to be seen. Version 0.1. Façade. Never quite sure, real or not. Binds. Preoccupied.

Anger like a steaming pile. Digging in deep rooted wants to lash out, trash things. Release. I release you. I forgive you, everyone of me.

Psychodrama. Fear of becoming what I fear and becoming it anyway cos not confronting the issue. Anger in my head, cutting me off at the throat, withholding my power. Coiled tight in chest, arms, legs and cunt. Bridge is down. Swinging and falling.

NO MORE

I feel the words slipping down my throat like thick liquid. Lining my throat like jelly.

Truth.

Here I am.

This is me.

Esoteric trifle

Arching my back with my eyes closed leaning against the wall.
I see orange, it’s rich.
I’m poured into this vessel, layers and layers of detail;
They can’t all be shown all at once.

I don’t always remember where I have been
Or what I think
But it’s there if you dig deep enough.
One day at a time.

They try and grab me
Try and pin me down
Make me into what they want
There’s no hope
You can’t eat me without a spoon.

They change the rules
And it leaves me cold
I’ve learnt and so can you
It’s so simple when you go down to the bones

Heart Song

Sometimes I dream in song.  I was on the bus listening to She & Him, looking out the window and mouthing the words inside my head.  They became my words, my song.  I picked an oracle card once which asked me to consider what my Heart song would be.  What would your heart sound like?  It's such a big thing to consider and I like to think it would be a big sound.  A big, pure sound, more happy than sad, more positive than negative, more loving than hateful.  This is what I want for the world. ♥ ♥ ♥

You really got a hold on me 

I thought I saw your face today

In the sun 

WYSIWYG

WYSIWYG but i don't know what you see so how will i know what to give? 

Eyes half closed, I don't see the bigger picture, i just focus on what is bothering me right now, on what I want not what is for the best.  I see bleak, I see sadness and this is what I get.  Closed up and mistrusting, I daren;t hope for better things.  I cannot see the light in this dreary tunnel and my torch has run out of power.  A brief flare from a match, a glimpse, which way which way.  Is it right to discard as soon as you know it's not right?  To consciously move on in the silence.  Is it letting go or giving up?  I can only do so much, if the answers dry up then there is no point asking the question anymore.  Officially I am done but then I never am.