It's been almost five months now and it still feels weird to think you're not coming back. There's a big gap and if I stop to think and look around it hits me all over again. And not the good stuff. I can't remember much of the good stuff. I remember picking you up off the floor. I remember you looking confused and not quite there. I remember kicking myself for not getting the doctor back sooner. I remember not offering you something to eat in ICU. I remember lying to you when you begged me to get you out of there as I left in the afternoon. I remember coming back to watch you die with that being the last time I spoke to you when you were conscious. I remember being there and watching your pulse in your neck and listening to you breathing. Counting. I remember making sure everyone was there. I tried my best and there is fuck all I can do about it now.

It seems I don't write as much when I am happy.
Perhaps I should start dating again :-P

Silver Lining

Life seems to be challenging me at the moment.
On the bright side, I have no desire to join a dating site

I dreamt about you last night.
One of those dreams that get tied up with half awake memories.
Things you said.
Being with you under the tree.
Seeing the yearning in your eyes.
What if I'd said yes?

You didn't keep your word.
You didn't check in with me.
I didn't think you would.
You probably thought it would do more harm than good.
But what you don't understand is,
It was never about picking up where we left off or changing your mind.
It was something to show that those three months didn't amount to nothing.

I want to make Dirty filthy love with you.
I want to do things to make you blush.
I want to make you laugh until you turn blue.
I want to wrestle with you and lick your neck.
I want to sit down next to you and slip my arm around your middle and rest my head in the crook of your armpit.
I want to make you jump with my crazy psycho face behind a magazine.
I want to squeeze your hand in secret so you know I am there.
I want to shout "HONEYPIE! I'M HOME!" when I come in the door.
I want to throw my arms around your neck when you bend down to kiss me.
I want to make things with you
I want to go on walks with you, show you things.
I want to smile at you when you are busy.
I want to look up and see you smiling at me.
I want to dream next to you.
I want to teach you things.
I want to have secrets with you.
I want you on my side, by my side.

Dear you

My life seems a little bit empty without you.
Only because I have less to do.
I think what life would be like with you still in it
And it turns out
I am glad you're not.

You would have been the one,
The right one,
If I wanted to continue to punish myself,
If I wanted to continue hiding away from my true nature,
You would have been the perfect fit.
But you're not.
It is freeing to admit that.
I don't have to hide anymore

It wasn't quite love
But my heart was open to the possibility.
I shall keep it open for someone else.

If they can't love themselves
They will never love you

An Accidental Rhyme

I know exactly how good it feels.
I feel it too.
It wouldn't be so good
If it wasn't you

Truly

I feel very emotional.
There is no one around to hear me cry.
Maybe that's a good thing.
I'm very tired.
I reached the point where I didn't want to do this anymore,
Didn't want to be here.
But outside, under the light of the moon, I realised it's all good.
Despite this sadness,
Despite this pain,
I am happy.
Truly.

You have me lost for words
It feels so delicate I am afraid of breaking it
Afraid of thinking too far ahead
Then I hear your voice and it brings me back
And i giggle and smile like a fool

Do me a favour.
Before you jump,
Before you get in the car,
Before you cross that threshold and peel back that seal -
Make sure it's what you really want.
This woman is non-returnable.

Time isn't a straight line.
Who I am now, who I was then,
We are the same, yet separate.
I can go back now.
Go back and comfort that quivering woman child so full of despair.
Go back and hold her in my arms,
Whisper in her ear that it is ok, everything is ok and you will be happy again,
Because I am here.
Always here.

How quickly it fades

My head is all muddled and I find myself thinking about you again.
I don't know why.
I am silently daring you to text me, call me or turn up at my house.
I'll even double dare you, because I know it won't happen.
Out of the two of us,
I was always the brave one.

I wish I had met you when I felt stronger instead of that meek little girl too afraid to speak her mind.

To be loved

It's less than a memory now,
That feeling of appreciation, 
Being loved with joy and whimsy.
A memory that might be make believe.
It will be different because I am different,
Coming from a hard place, a strong place.
I haven't learned how to love independently yet,
Not quite. 

I dreamed a dream of times gone by,
Of words already spoken,
Whispers beneath my window.
Fleeting.
The warmth in my bed, 
In my arms,
In my heart.
Incubated.
Open.
Waiting.
For You.

Come back to me

I could look into your eyes forever.  
Not with the sappy, romantic dreams, but with the wide awake, wide eyed smile, the impish lust for adventure.  
There is plenty of time to laze around under tress swirling your chest hair with my fingertips.  
I want to grab your hand and tear off into the forest and get your new shoes muddy.

In my mind we were already friends.  The benefits come later if they come at all.  You obviously thought I wanted more or you were so turned off by the idea you felt the need to put the friend barriers up.  That hurts.  It hurt at the time because I didn't and don't understand how it can just stop.  Now I don’t have a friend, I don’t have the closeness, the open hearted talks, and the love for the sake of love.  I have a virtual acquaintance and lots of blurred assumptions.  Come back.  I miss you.

I've seen your face before and then you were in my dream.

Younger, with a porkpie hat and drainpipe jeans.

You said you weren't ready for anything serious while you were crossing the road.

Foreheads pressed together,

Eyes blurred, but I could see crystal clear.

The connection points met and it felt complete.

Thinking about where I am.

I am here and yet the ghosts of the past keep crowding my mind.

People I have known, half known, don't know anymore.

If life is balance then they think about me too.

I just wish they would do it quietly and leave me be.

I have this half eaten feeling.

I am all dunked out.

You drained me.

I want to step on the red dot and keep it still.

I want to turn around and say just fuck off.

I'm hungry but you don't fill me up.

The Art of You

You can share a lot in a kiss,
The slightest brush of my lip against yours, comforting.
I can smell you.
My cheek against you like a cat.
It's like talking.
Lips moving without making a sound. 
My hand strokes your chest unconsciously.
It's not about passion.
Nor is it about sex.
It's the essence of you,  
A taster, 
A treat.
Appreciating the art of you.
Gentle, complete.
You are a treat xx

The only picture I have of you is when you fell asleep

I suppose I should delete it, move on, clean, cold, cut off break.

But then there will be nothing 

It is blurry and pixelated.

You look tired.

I still want to stroke your hair and cover you up to keep you warm.

Take off your glasses and put them safe.

Make sure you are comfortable before I close the door

Just so I know you will be all right

When I hear the foxes bark it feels like I am dreaming.
I can't remember your face,
Just the feel of your skin and your breath catching in your throat,
The passion catching fire after smouldering for so long.
It was never far away,
And now my heart beats faster,
Nothing gained but a lingering heat, an itch,
My insides running to catch up.
In my head things seem slow, unreal and unorganised.
I can't make sense of it all. 
I don't know if  I am meant to.

I miss you
I can't help but miss you
It's the little things that no one else seems to do 
They're gone and I miss them
I'm not afraid to say it

I miss giggling 
I miss feeling cared for
I miss caring for
I miss holding hands and stroking fingers
I miss stoking that fire, rattling that cage and setting it free.

I can't help it

I can't look at you.
I can't bear to see it.
I like to believe you think about me.
The thought of never seeing you again makes me so painfully sad.
So much amounting to so little.
It doesn't just disappear,
I've learnt this,
You will too.

I imagine you saying those words and my heart beats faster, 
Almost leaps out of my chest.
Pounces on the notion of together forever.
Pounces then falls.
No one there to catch it you see.
So I pick my self up and carry on.

If you read this...

Laying by your side looking at you from the corner of my eye.


Do you know I am there?


My nose against your cheekbone, 


I breathe a tune waiting for you to join in.


We used to know this one.

It's 2am

I'm kneeling on the floor wearing 3 layers.

I feel so contained.  So complete in myself.

So alone.  Separate. 

A unit of one.

I wish I had arms around me.  A safe enclosure to rest my head upon.

Just for a little while.

Just for times like these.

Not to heal me,

Not to carry me,

I can walk,

Just to acknowledge me.

To see and understand without expectation.

Someone I can ask without feeling disadvantaged.

Somewhere I feel entitled, worthy.

Somewhere I recognise.

Somewhere real.

Real.

Hold on

I said to the Moon,


"You make me want to be a better person.  
 You do.  
 I want to be pure when I look at you.  
 I want to be pure and full of light.  
 A creative being with love in my soul and joy in my eyes.  
 I look at you and want to breathe as deep as I can.  
 Your cool white light fanning the flames in my belly.  
 You are my future.  
 You are my hope.  
 My everlasting.  
 My love. 
 It is and always will be a pleasure to gaze upon you and feel your energy."


The Moon replied,


"You are welcome.  
 We are part of each other.  
 It is your light that makes me shine.  It is the light of the Universe  within us all. 
 It is a pleasure to watch over you.  
 With me you are always safe, always loved and always within reach.  
 Make your life the way you want it to be.  
 Honour me and yourself, always and forever I will be here loving you  and your  work."


Kinship, respect, honour and love.  Don't starve yourself of these.

Dreams.


If you had everything you dreamt about it would be reality.


And if you haven't got anything to dream about you're just... Happy.

I wish I could be everything to everyone,


But there comes a time when I have to make myself happy,


When I have to step out by myself,


Hold my own hand and show myself the way.


You could follow,


But your path is different

I find when you fall in love it is rarely how you picture it, 

Rarely convenient, 

Rarely conventional.

Stepping stones with landmines, minesweeper of the heart.

I think the best way to love is with your eyes and not your hands.

It is precious; 

Try to hold on too tight and it will shatter, leaving scars in its wake, 

Scars so visible you are reminded everyday of what you lost. 

So pretend you are in a museum...

Look but don't touch...

Look long enough and they will invite you to become an exhibit.

The memory of your hands, your shoulders, 
Is now edged in icy cold, fading.
And your lips, your sweet firm lips, smooth and responsive,
The ghost of your hands stroking my neck, around my body.
Your legs wrapped around mine.
Tight closeness cocooned and hot.
All that is bundled together as a warm contented parcel inside me,
The heat rising up, proving the memories in my mind....

Any way the wind blows it closes me in.

The freedom I am owed, just out of reach.

Choices.

None at all.

Then all at once. 

I see the way I am meant to go;
Or I feel it.
I feel it and need it
But I don't know where to flow.
Captured.
It's hard to tell.

.

And you held me as I came.
Keeping me together, not letting me float away,
Keeping yourself inside.


And you held me tight as the thunder ripped through the sky 
And a cry ripped through my chest.
You held me while my pain rumbled away.


And you let me go when I wanted to run,
When the horse had to be let loose.
You let me go knowing I wouldn't be held,
Knowing I would come back.